Posted On: August 22, 2007, 4:17 pm CDT

Posted By: Master of Reality

"Some of you implied that the government should do something about this. I agree. Who can I contact about the government paying off our mortgage for us. Do you think they will also pay off our credit cards and our car note too?"

Dear sad,

I'm sure that the government would be happy to help. I suggest you contact the same department that subsidizes Archer Daniels Midland (oops! I mean invests our tax dollars wisely) to the tune of billions of dollars per year. They will most likely pay off all your bills. We all know of course that Congress is not influenced by large bribes (there I go again! I mean "campaign contributions.") and refuses to be bought by special interests (gosh darn it! I just can't stop! That should be "anointed souls who know what's best for 275 million people"). The fact that you wouldn't have millions to give to Congress wouldn't mean anything to them of course; they're just as willing to pay you; how many votes, power and tenure they get doesn't enter into the equation at all. Isn't government great?

I sympathize with your plight also. All I want to be able to do is come home from work and watch 4 hours of TV every night and never take the effort to educate myself about the real world (after all, how can anyone even live without watching Survivor, 24, American Idol, Friends, Seinfeld, Lost, Joannie Loves Chachi, House, et. al.?). I have just as much right to demand that the government do something! After all, we all know that voluntary interactions between people is not the way to go! We need to give government the power to direct our actions by violence! Why can't everyone understand this?