I’m not accusing or trying to frame any group of individuals, but the community in which I live has expereinced a SHARP increase in crime since we welcomed refugees from Katrina in 2005.
Our numbers jumped up and have remained high since. I wonder if these areas also took in these “refugees” from the storm.
Before you jump all over me for “not caring,” I do care. “Caring” is a feeling; crime and crime numbers are a fact, a fact that has a correlation to a specific time (2005 as in the study) in our case. I just want to know if the study looked at this factor.
Dear Mr/Ms Lastbat: regrettably the features you enquire about are currently unavailable as retrofits or downloads to your mp3 player, which we hope is an Appall product.
However, we will be able to add some other features if you send your player back to the factory along with a check for $2,500. Included in the upgrade will be the following:
iDeNiro – a voice processor which confronts the thief with “You talkin’ to me?” over and over again until the perp walks away thinking he just tried to hold up a Martian.
iKong – the iPod shaped (and colored) like a banana. No one will take an iPod from an 800 pound gorilla. Or an 8,000 pounder either.
iSprout – this player is the same size, shape and color as a Brussel sprout. Nobody will want to steal it, as no one likes the real thing. This unit will be made in low numbers because we don’t think we will sell many of them. Like maybe two or three. It could become our first ‘collectible’ iPod, if anyone wants a veggie in their pocket.
iSpiro – this feature renders the unit completely unintelligible, repeating Pat Buchanan speeches about “nattering nabobs of negativism”. Then it indicts itself and quits in humiliation.
iSkip – this intriguing feature causes the unit to randomly break into songs three down the playlist. Every two seconds. Causing severe frustration and immediate discarding by the criminal element. Who would want a machine that plays hip and hop worse than Dolly Parton during New Madrid’s biggest earthquake in years? Not to be confused with a broken unit, which we would gladly repair at high expense.
iSwiss – pressing this button causes 47 small knives to pivot out of the unit. Plus a corkscrew, nail file, hair comb, pencil sharpener, 3-hole punch and an espresso machine. Perfect for the insurance executive on the go. And guaranteed to cut their fingers off, scald the stumps, and give the corpse a great-looking bouffant hairdo.
iGottoGoTaBed – this unit causes the music to be randomly interrupted by the sounds of yawning and snoring, while the volume slowly decreases. Unless the thief were wound up on Crack, this would guarantee an easy retrieval from the somnambulent Pod purloiner.
Remember to send your check in Ukranian dinashtas to Appall Inc. We guarantee only that we will cash it.
Not Accusing, people are more likely to commit crimes in places they feel no connection to so you could have something. What would be needed to nail it down is information about the people arrested. Theoretically if crime is spiked by a migrant population more of that population should be arrested.
More than likely the people conducting the study were just trying to get some money from whoever funded it and tried to pick something half plausible to study. There are so many things that go into crime causation that picking on one piece of electronic equipment is rather narrow-focused.
Let’s be honest and I know this may spark ire with some folks but it’s a fact. A “certain element” of people is at the forefront of this problem and to cite the I-Pod as a “cause” is absurd. The “cause” is the disrespect for others, their personal property, and the law. The I-Pod is merely the most recent attractive target. It offers that “certain element” of people and easy way to take something they haven’t worked for and can’t afford, and either enjoy it or sell it to make cash for other activities. As for the rash of thefts in the area where Katrina affected people (not victims)relocated, I suggest it has less to do with the fact they’re unfamiliar with the area as it does with the “certain element”. People take their bad habits with them regardless of where they go. Simply put…….they don’t care.
The thought of integrating an “anti-theft” feature at an increased cost to the honest,hard-working buyer sickens me. But here’s a cost effective solution. Place a small explosive in the I-pod that is activated by the owner with a small remote unit. This will provide an immediate feedback mechanism to the dirt bags who steal them that this is unacceptable behavior.
Explosive? I like your thinking Dread. Of course, that would complicate my getting the iPod back plus the lost music. Maybe an electrical charge? You can get a lot of juice out of a battery. Enough to cause some pretty cool physical effects.
And you are right, there is a certain element of society that tends toward these types of crime. There are also others that for some reason rationlize their behavior in the face of desperation. We have all heard the stories of people who break under circumstances that overwhelm them. I don’t think it excuses their behavior, but it explains it better than “they were evil, bad, nasty people”.
=There are also others that for some reason rationlize their behavior in the face of desperation. We have all heard the stories of people who break under circumstances that overwhelm them.=
What’s this but rationalization, LB?!
=I don’t think it excuses their behavior, but it explains it better than “they were evil, bad, nasty people”.=
Oh please. So how does one tell a good person from an evil one if both commit evil acts? What is your definition of evil, being a victim of circumstance?
In an effort to reduce the crime wave of thefts of our MP3 systems, we at Appall are pleased to announce the following additional features will shortly be available on the Next Generation iPod.
iClint – a voice processor which loudly states “Go ahead. Make my day”.
iStun – an inocuous-looking button on the iPod which discharges the battery – through the earbuds into the unwary listener.
iSuk – a memory device which automatically dumps all the good songs and substitutes Liberace, Montovani and Michael Jackson B-side songs.
iShed – a furry slipcase for an iPod which leaves Golden Retriever hair all over the thief’s pocket, couch and car, making detection easy.
iSneeze – a container located in the earbud yoke which discharges pepper into the face of the criminal, creating a sneezing attack which causes the iPod to be dropped near the scene of the crime.
iEye – when the iPod screen is raised to the thief’s face so they can work the menu, the picture of a pirate appears on the screen, yelling at them to “Avast, Matey”. Not always effective unless the thief is of diminished capacity and easily confused.
iDunno – does something. We’re just not sure WHAT it does, other than turn a nice profit.
iScream – instead of dispatching a police car to the crime scene, this feature sends a Good Humor truck.
iGotcha – a camera in the unit will snap photographs of the culprit, attach a serial number at the bottom of the image, and using the WiFi connection, send it to the nearest precinct along with geo coordinates.
iHoodie – a complete garment encorporating the iPod, necessitating the theft of the entire wardrobe. Will only be available in misses and women’s sizes 0 through 6.
iSpy – this unique unit will relocate the iPod into the heel of the user’s footwear. Not recommended for cyclists or when on treadmills unless using the optional wireless headphones.
Thank you for making our products the hottest product in the primary and resale markets!
Al, there’s a difference between people who are evil and those who are overwhelmed. The difference is easy to see since when people who are generally good do bad things they regret them and try to make amends. People who are evil do not regret bad deeds and do not attempt to make amends.
I can only assume you have never struck out in anger, cursed, stolen a cookie, lied, broken the speed limit, run a red light, called somebody a bad name or any other bad thing in your life. Otherwise you are an evil person by your definition and we don’t know any better because only evil people do bad things. Good people never make mistakes, never break under pressure and never do anything they may have cause to second-guess or regret later. Reality bites Al. In reality there is grey and the job of those sitting in judgement is to determine whether this is a generally good person who did a bad thing or an evil person just doing what they do.
I’m not accusing or trying to frame any group of individuals, but the community in which I live has expereinced a SHARP increase in crime since we welcomed refugees from Katrina in 2005.
Our numbers jumped up and have remained high since. I wonder if these areas also took in these “refugees” from the storm.
Before you jump all over me for “not caring,” I do care. “Caring” is a feeling; crime and crime numbers are a fact, a fact that has a correlation to a specific time (2005 as in the study) in our case. I just want to know if the study looked at this factor.
That would be great!
Oh, and since what I have now is a knockoff, I expect a brand-name replacement too.
And can you program it to prevent any actual playing of crappy artists unless/until stolen? I want that feature too.
Dear Mr/Ms Lastbat: regrettably the features you enquire about are currently unavailable as retrofits or downloads to your mp3 player, which we hope is an Appall product.
However, we will be able to add some other features if you send your player back to the factory along with a check for $2,500. Included in the upgrade will be the following:
iDeNiro – a voice processor which confronts the thief with “You talkin’ to me?” over and over again until the perp walks away thinking he just tried to hold up a Martian.
iKong – the iPod shaped (and colored) like a banana. No one will take an iPod from an 800 pound gorilla. Or an 8,000 pounder either.
iSprout – this player is the same size, shape and color as a Brussel sprout. Nobody will want to steal it, as no one likes the real thing. This unit will be made in low numbers because we don’t think we will sell many of them. Like maybe two or three. It could become our first ‘collectible’ iPod, if anyone wants a veggie in their pocket.
iSpiro – this feature renders the unit completely unintelligible, repeating Pat Buchanan speeches about “nattering nabobs of negativism”. Then it indicts itself and quits in humiliation.
iSkip – this intriguing feature causes the unit to randomly break into songs three down the playlist. Every two seconds. Causing severe frustration and immediate discarding by the criminal element. Who would want a machine that plays hip and hop worse than Dolly Parton during New Madrid’s biggest earthquake in years? Not to be confused with a broken unit, which we would gladly repair at high expense.
iSwiss – pressing this button causes 47 small knives to pivot out of the unit. Plus a corkscrew, nail file, hair comb, pencil sharpener, 3-hole punch and an espresso machine. Perfect for the insurance executive on the go. And guaranteed to cut their fingers off, scald the stumps, and give the corpse a great-looking bouffant hairdo.
iGottoGoTaBed – this unit causes the music to be randomly interrupted by the sounds of yawning and snoring, while the volume slowly decreases. Unless the thief were wound up on Crack, this would guarantee an easy retrieval from the somnambulent Pod purloiner.
Remember to send your check in Ukranian dinashtas to Appall Inc. We guarantee only that we will cash it.
S Jobes
Not Accusing, people are more likely to commit crimes in places they feel no connection to so you could have something. What would be needed to nail it down is information about the people arrested. Theoretically if crime is spiked by a migrant population more of that population should be arrested.
More than likely the people conducting the study were just trying to get some money from whoever funded it and tried to pick something half plausible to study. There are so many things that go into crime causation that picking on one piece of electronic equipment is rather narrow-focused.
“…people are more likely to commit crimes in places they feel no connection to…”
So, high crime areas are victimized by people from other areas? Never heard that before. Care to share your sources, or are you just making this up?
Here’s the cause of crime: evil. There are no excuses for it or social causes of it, it is the result of evil people doing evil things. Period.
Let’s be honest and I know this may spark ire with some folks but it’s a fact. A “certain element” of people is at the forefront of this problem and to cite the I-Pod as a “cause” is absurd. The “cause” is the disrespect for others, their personal property, and the law. The I-Pod is merely the most recent attractive target. It offers that “certain element” of people and easy way to take something they haven’t worked for and can’t afford, and either enjoy it or sell it to make cash for other activities. As for the rash of thefts in the area where Katrina affected people (not victims)relocated, I suggest it has less to do with the fact they’re unfamiliar with the area as it does with the “certain element”. People take their bad habits with them regardless of where they go. Simply put…….they don’t care.
The thought of integrating an “anti-theft” feature at an increased cost to the honest,hard-working buyer sickens me. But here’s a cost effective solution. Place a small explosive in the I-pod that is activated by the owner with a small remote unit. This will provide an immediate feedback mechanism to the dirt bags who steal them that this is unacceptable behavior.
What is not brought up in the article is how much more valuable an Ipod is when it is loaded with content.
Explosive? I like your thinking Dread. Of course, that would complicate my getting the iPod back plus the lost music. Maybe an electrical charge? You can get a lot of juice out of a battery. Enough to cause some pretty cool physical effects.
And you are right, there is a certain element of society that tends toward these types of crime. There are also others that for some reason rationlize their behavior in the face of desperation. We have all heard the stories of people who break under circumstances that overwhelm them. I don’t think it excuses their behavior, but it explains it better than “they were evil, bad, nasty people”.
=There are also others that for some reason rationlize their behavior in the face of desperation. We have all heard the stories of people who break under circumstances that overwhelm them.=
What’s this but rationalization, LB?!
=I don’t think it excuses their behavior, but it explains it better than “they were evil, bad, nasty people”.=
Oh please. So how does one tell a good person from an evil one if both commit evil acts? What is your definition of evil, being a victim of circumstance?
In an effort to reduce the crime wave of thefts of our MP3 systems, we at Appall are pleased to announce the following additional features will shortly be available on the Next Generation iPod.
iClint – a voice processor which loudly states “Go ahead. Make my day”.
iStun – an inocuous-looking button on the iPod which discharges the battery – through the earbuds into the unwary listener.
iSuk – a memory device which automatically dumps all the good songs and substitutes Liberace, Montovani and Michael Jackson B-side songs.
iShed – a furry slipcase for an iPod which leaves Golden Retriever hair all over the thief’s pocket, couch and car, making detection easy.
iSneeze – a container located in the earbud yoke which discharges pepper into the face of the criminal, creating a sneezing attack which causes the iPod to be dropped near the scene of the crime.
iEye – when the iPod screen is raised to the thief’s face so they can work the menu, the picture of a pirate appears on the screen, yelling at them to “Avast, Matey”. Not always effective unless the thief is of diminished capacity and easily confused.
iDunno – does something. We’re just not sure WHAT it does, other than turn a nice profit.
iScream – instead of dispatching a police car to the crime scene, this feature sends a Good Humor truck.
iGotcha – a camera in the unit will snap photographs of the culprit, attach a serial number at the bottom of the image, and using the WiFi connection, send it to the nearest precinct along with geo coordinates.
iHoodie – a complete garment encorporating the iPod, necessitating the theft of the entire wardrobe. Will only be available in misses and women’s sizes 0 through 6.
iSpy – this unique unit will relocate the iPod into the heel of the user’s footwear. Not recommended for cyclists or when on treadmills unless using the optional wireless headphones.
Thank you for making our products the hottest product in the primary and resale markets!
S. Jobes
Way to go iNoon!! Great countermeasures…and all of them effective! Great job!!!
I second that!! iNoon rocks!
I’ll give up my iPod when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers!!
Can I retrofit my mp3 player with these options, or must I purchase a new one? I want the whole package!
Al, there’s a difference between people who are evil and those who are overwhelmed. The difference is easy to see since when people who are generally good do bad things they regret them and try to make amends. People who are evil do not regret bad deeds and do not attempt to make amends.
I can only assume you have never struck out in anger, cursed, stolen a cookie, lied, broken the speed limit, run a red light, called somebody a bad name or any other bad thing in your life. Otherwise you are an evil person by your definition and we don’t know any better because only evil people do bad things. Good people never make mistakes, never break under pressure and never do anything they may have cause to second-guess or regret later. Reality bites Al. In reality there is grey and the job of those sitting in judgement is to determine whether this is a generally good person who did a bad thing or an evil person just doing what they do.
OK, Lastbat, since this is insurance, I’ll bet you want the entire package for less than what you paid for the original, too!