Today is July 4th and as the old riddle says, yes, every country has the Fourth of July, but only the US celebrates it as Independence Day. If you’re reading this on Wednesday, get back to the grill, kids, picnic, or other celebratory event. It’ll be here tomorrow. I’m not offended because I’m working on my own celebration right now, too.
Since this is a holiday with unique celebrations and traditions, it’s time for another installment of holiday policy language that I wish existed, Freedom edition.
“That person” means the person in your family, or among your friends, that always takes things too far. “That person” includes any person that you can’t trust with any “fireworks,” “grilling,” or other important freedom party device.
“Fireworks” means any commercially available device that is has a fuse or other method of ignition and produces sparks, smoke, air or ground bursts, or other explosive-like effect designed to bring delight and joy to those who see it.
“Using fireworks” means bringing together, setting up, arranging, lighting, or otherwise preparing for an amateur show of “fireworks”.
We encourage the responsible use of “fireworks” because it reminds us all of the sacrifice and courage the freedom requires. However, bodily injury and property damage related to “using fireworks” is excluded on this policy when:
- You are not legally allowed to “use fireworks” in your state, county, municipality, neighborhood, or because an insured’s parents say so.
- You have been enjoying adult beverages.
- You say, “Hey, check it out. I think I made it cooler,” or similar phrase meant to show off the skill you think you have with “fireworks.”
- You aim any “fireworks” at your best friend.
- You create a machine that lets you “use fireworks” from a moving vehicle, including anyone’s golf cart, ATV, or UTV.
- You “use fireworks” inside any building, structure, house, mobile home, or stationary RV.
- You let “that person” “use fireworks.”
“Grilling” means using any outdoor cooking device, including gas grills, charcoal grills, and smokers (whether stationary or towed behind a vehicle).
We encourage “grilling” as it is a wonderful way to enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. However, bodily injury and property damage related to “grilling” is excluded when:
- You use any sort of accelerant other than those designed to be used with the grill. These accelerants include gasoline, hair spray, or “fireworks.”
- A fight breaks out if you are only “grilling” vegetables or tofu.
- You let “that person” near your grill.
“Swimming pool” means any permanently installed in-ground or above ground construct or temporary inflatable item designed for enjoying by being immersed either partially or completely in water, including using any floatation devices. “Swimming pool” does not include the swimming hole, creek, lake, river, spring, or any other place you might swim.
Note regarding swimming places, other than your “swimming pool”: If your Independence Day celebration includes gathering at the swimming hole, creek, lake, river, spring, or any other swimming place, let it be someone else’s idea. That way, we’re less concerned about it and you can have a good time without making us wonder what’s going on and if we are going to have a claim about it.
We encourage responsible use of your “swimming pools” during the summer. It is a wonderful way to enjoy the gift of friends, family, and freedom. However, bodily injury and property damage related to “swimming pools” is limited when:
- You allow anyone to use any trampoline to enter the “swimming pool”.
- “That person” tries to go down the water slide standing up. Other people that attempt to go down the water slide standing up are not limited, unless “that person” did it first.
- You allow anyone to use any roof to enter the “swimming pool.”
This limitation only applies if you fail to video “swimming pool” antics and post that video to YouTube. We want to see what happened at your party, too.
Author’s note: this is meant to be funny. If I have offended you, please understand that was not my intent.
We hope that you have a joyful, peaceful, happy, memorable, and safe holiday.
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